


Four Rules

by LettersToShakespear



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Art student Kili, College Student Kíli, Counselor Fili, Depression, Different diagnosis are talked about such as:, Drinking, For the most part it's lighthearted, Insomnia, There are a few very minor original characters, This is a little bit of a crack fic, This is a little crack but hey, and others - Freeform, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 05:38:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6502993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LettersToShakespear/pseuds/LettersToShakespear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rule # 1 of being a counselor at a university: Do not get invested personally.</p>
<p>Rule # 2: Always believe the crazy drunk stories, they’re probably true</p>
<p>Rule # 3: Don’t ask about due dates unless you want to deal with a breakdown.</p>
<p>And, most important of all, Rule # 4; do not, under any circumstances, fall in love with a student.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four Rules

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! So I finished this about a three weeks ago but I kept getting sidetracked in posting it. But, better late than never as they say! It's a little bit of a crack fic but not really at the same time? Anyways, give it a read and let me know what you think :) 
> 
> Also this is pretty much unedited so sorry for any mistakes. 
> 
> Thanks for stopping by, and feel free to give me a follow on tumblr if you so wish! 
> 
> Happy Reading!

* * *

            Rule # 1 of being a counselor at a university: Do _not_ get invested personally.

            Rule # 2: Always believe the crazy drunk stories, they’re probably true

            Rule # 3: Don’t ask about due dates unless you want to deal with a

            Breakdown.

            And, most important of all, Rule # 4; do not, under any circumstances, fall in

            love with a student.

 

Fili, for the most part, has always managed to follow these rules. Granted, his Masters degree is only four years old so he hasn’t had much chance to screw up too badly, but there’s a first for everything. Despite the fact that half of the people who come to see him are definitely in the same dating pool as him, he knows that professional boundaries are of the utmost importance. He certainly can’t help it if he finds someone attractive, but he never acts on it, and that’s what matters.

 

Which is why now, two months into the spring semester, he is sitting at his desk contemplating whether or not he should resign from his job. Because despite how hard he has tried, how many boundaries he has tried put in place, he is falling in love. Falling in love with a guy with big brown puppy dog eyes and a smile that could light up an entire room.

 

The funny thing is, is that Kili doesn’t even go to counseling. The first time they met was because Kili was working on a project and wanted to ask a few questions about mental health. They’d stayed on that topic for maybe twenty minutes before Kili was gesticulating wildly while telling a story about too much beer, a borrowed car, a goat, and Christmas sweaters. He laughs harder than he has in months, and before he knows it the time of their appointment is up.

           

“I’m so sorry, I get sidetracked way too easily. Could I make another appointment with you to ask a few more questions sometime this week or next for my project? I swear I won’t get off subject again.”

 

Kili looks so sincere, with pleading eyes and a little smile gracing his lips. There’s a stir of something in his chest, and Fili should have known right _then_ that he should make up some excuse of being too busy. But he doesn’t.

 

“I suppose I could do a follow up for the sake of research. Just make an appointment at the front desk, I should have some free time next week.”

 

“Great! I’ll see you next week then!”

 

He leaves the room with a wide smile, one hand holding onto his bag while the other waves wildly. Kili’s probably the only person to ever leave his office with that amount of energy bubbling out.

 

To be honest, Fili sort of forgets about Kili after that meeting. His week was filled with a slew of students suffering from homesickness, stress over school, and all manner of other things. He gets so caught up in it all that when Kili enters his office on the next Wednesday, he is genuinely surprised to see him.

 

“Hey Fili! So thanks again for taking time out of your schedule for me to come talk to you again! I’m sure you’re insanely busy. I can think of at least three people who are having breakdowns over research right now, and that’s just the ones that my friend Ori told me about in the Sociology department.”

 

“There’s never a dull moment, that’s for certain.”

 

Kili chatters on some more while he pulls out his laptop and shoves on a pair of reading glasses, long fingers dancing over the keys before he pauses to breathe for a moment.

 

“Okay, so. On topic. Anxiety. We left off wiiiith…. Social anxiety! Could you give me an in depth answer of what it’s like? Not a textbook definition either, I need something that creates an emotional connection, you know? Not just black and white and ‘here’s your symptoms now have a good day’ kind of thing.”

           

“What’s your research project again?”

 

“It’s a secret, so you’ll have to wait and see” Kili flashes a mischievous grin, leg bouncing as he waits for Fili to start talking. He wants to ask more questions, but something tells him that Kili won’t bite.

 

“Well, I’ve never experienced social anxiety to the point of it being debilitating, so remember that this response is really based off of my own empathy for what students have told me. And it’s opinion, so really-“

 

“It’s okay if it’s not like, 100% factual.”

 

Kili watches patiently while he waits for Fili to formulate a thought. The subject isn’t simple, and he’s not really sure where to start.

            “I suppose I’d explain it as this constant voice in the back of your head that talks down to you whenever you’re in a social setting. It’s like… It’s like whenever you’re trying to talk or speak, there’s this part of you saying that you should stop because you’re not good enough or you sound dumb or that nobody cares what you’re thinking. And then there’s this other aspect of feeling like why even bother. Because you’re just going to mess it up anyways, so is there any point in trying?

            I think it’s that moment of time where someone says something to you, and you just freeze because your mind is rushing around to figure out what to say back, but too much time passes and you just get that awkward moment of silence. And I think that moment of silence can kind of sum up what social anxiety is. But honestly it’s so multifaceted, that I can’t really sum it up simply. It varies for every person who has it.”

 

Clacking of keys fills the room as teeth nibble away at Kili’s lip, the screen of his laptop reflected upon his glasses. He shifts nervously in his seat, now wondering if he’d given a good enough description, because really there’s no way to be able to encompass all aspects of what social anxiety is with one simple answer.

 

“Okay, anything else that comes to mind about it?”

 

“Loneliness. Most people with social anxiety don’t _want_ to be alone. They just don’t always know how to bridge the gap with people, or how to not feel like a burden to others.”

 

“And thoughts about depression?”

 

And so it goes on for the next 45 minutes, covering borderline personality disorder, insomnia, and a few others. Kili never does tell him what exactly his project is about.

 

* * *

 

 

He sees Kili twice more during the next two weeks, but after that it’s about a month back in the trenches of counseling until he sees him again. It’s taxing and frustrating, especially so close to the end of the semester, but it’s well worth it.

 

It’s towards the end of November that he sees Kili again. He’s on his way to lunch, making his way through the waiting room of the wellness center. Kili is sitting in one of the padded chairs, his phone raised up high and a look of disgust plastered across his face.

 

“Snapchat?”

 

Kili instantly drops his phone, eyes going wide for a moment before he laughs it off.

 

“Yeah, you got me! I was keeping myself distracted while I was waiting for you, actually. Nancy said you’re booked for the rest of forever, but I figured you would have to come out of your office at some point.”

 

“Ah, so you’ve become a lurker now.”

 

“Just for today! And I only need like, five minutes, I promise. I need to cite you as a source for my project and I literally cannot navigate the wellness center website to find your credentials. There are at least twenty useless pages on there, I swear!”

 

His explanation is full of gesticulating limbs, and he’s more that a little worried that the phone in his hand is going to go flying.

           

“I’m on lunch, so as long as you’re willing to walk and talk, I can answer whatever you need.”

 

“Okay, cool! I’ll just type it out on my phone.”

 

The prospect of Kili on his phone while trying to walk is terrifying.

 

“Are you sure that’s a ah… good idea?”

 

“Oh definitely! It might not seem like it, but I’m extremely good at walking and texting. It’s one of my best skills actually. Which sounds a little sad, if you think about it, but you know.”

 

Fili is still a bit skeptical, but he runs with it anyways. Honestly, Kili was lucky to catch him on a Thursday, considering it was the one day of the week that he allowed himself to buy lunch at one of the little nearby cafes.

 

“Alright, lets go… And what do you need to know specifically?”

 

“Name, degree, and where you graduated from.”

 

“Fili Durin, Masters of Counseling Psychology with a license to practice. I went to Rivendell for my undergrad and Lothlórien for my masters program. “

 

Kili whistles low under his breath, somehow still typing away at his screen as he starts talking.

 

“Now that’s an impressive resume. Why would you come to work at Erebor? I mean, it’s definitely a great school, but nothing beats Rivendell or Lothlórien.”

 

“I wanted a fresh start. None of the professors know me here, and they won’t treat me like a student because they’ve never had me as one.”

 

“Makes sense. How old are you again?”

 

Fili laughs at that, holding the door open for Kili as they exit the building.

 

“Is this for your research or your own personal interest?”

 

“A bit of both.”

 

“Twenty-eight.”

 

“Ha! My guess was almost right! One year younger!”

 

Frankly he thinks Kili’s reaction is a little unwarranted, which leads him to believe that there’s a story behind this. He thinks even more so when he sees Kili furiously texting away at his phone, just as they’re about to cross the street. He places a hand on his arm to guide him across because really, the last thing he needs is for Kili to get hit by a car because he’s not paying attention.

 

“Aw, you care enough about my well being to guide me across the street!”

 

“I’d rather not be responsible for the death of a student.”

 

“You would totally be responsible for it too, because right now I’m winning a bet about your age. Hence the texting.”

 

“You made a bet on my age?”

 

“Yep. With the people who helped me steal the goat I was telling you about, actually. Ori thought you were 30, and Bofur was betting 31, which, no way. It was obvious you’re younger than 30. No one over the age of 29 would be able to get away with wearing so much flannel working at a college.”

 

“Are you making in fun of my clothes?”

 

“Of course not! You’re much more relatable because you dress like a human being. I mean, I definitely wonder what deal you cut with the University to let you wear what you wear, but that’s beside the point.”

 

Kili shoots him another one of those brilliant smiles, phone placed away in the pocket of his jeans. He feels that stir inside of his chest again, and he knows that really he should stop talking and just go buy something to eat. But he doesn’t. Because he’s an idiot.

 

“Well, I’m glad you approve. Since I helped you win your bet, are you going to tell me what your project is?”

 

“Yes! I have something for you, actually.”

 

Kili instantly takes his bag off and settles it down on the ground, unzipping it as he crouches before it. For a few moments he ruffles through it until he seems to find what he’s looking for. It’s a wrinkled lime green flyer, a corner ripped off and he thinks that there’s maybe a coffee stain on it.

 

“I have an exhibit down at the little art gallery in town next Saturday. It’s part of my graduation requirements for my major, and I opted for a theme so it’s all about mental health. Hence why I kept harassing you, among others, all semester. Obviously you don’t have to come if you’re busy, but I thought you might be interested in actually seeing why I was asking you all those questions.”

 

He won’t deny that his eyebrows probably rise all the way up into his hair, something that definitely doesn’t get past Kili.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I know, art student is probably the last thing you imagined me to be. I get that a lot. Want to know something else that’ll blow your mind? I paint!”

 

Kili dances his fingers around while making what Fili believes are ghost noises. Then again, knowing Kili, he could be trying to imitate anything.

 

“I’m- yeah, I really never would have guessed that, not going to lie.”

 

“Like I said, it’s chill. Come if you want, and don’t feel obligated. But I do have to say, it’s going to be pretty awesome.”

 

Fili folds the paper up and slips it into his pocket, pulling up a mental picture of what his schedule looks like for next Saturday. He’s almost certain that he’s free, and he definitely hisses at the voice in the back of his head that it isn’t weird if he shows up to the gallery.

 

“I think I’m free, but I’ll have to double check. Thank you for inviting me.”

 

“No problem! I have to head out unless I want to be late to class though. See you then!”

 

Just like that Kili is off with a wave and a smile, jogging across the street. Fili’s starting to think that he might be just the littlest bit screwed.

 

* * *

 

 

The gallery in town is a small space, utilized most frequently to showcase the art of students graduating from the art or photography departments. Fili had gone to an installation at the gallery once before, but he hadn’t been all that big of a fan.

 

Admittedly, he doesn’t know a thing about painting, so he’s a little worried about what he’s going to say to Kili after he looks at his exhibit. Because he’ll have to come up with something, won’t he? And what if he doesn’t like any of it?

 

Those are the thoughts that traipse through his mind as he walks into the gallery. There are a few people within, probably five or six who are standing and pointing at this or that. Each painting has a sign underneath it, denoting what ‘illness’ it is supposed to represent, and really Fili wouldn’t need the signs to know because the paintings…

 

The paintings capture everything that they had talked about and more. Insomnia is a brown haired girl with bruised eyelids, spindly fingers caressing a chipping window as she looks out on the night sky. Coffee cups and pills are scattered on the desk beside her, books strewn about and the bed hiding in the shadows, made up and untouched.

 

Social Anxiety is short messy hair with fingers running through it, bitten nails and cuticles raw and red. There are people laughing and smiling all around and through the background, taking up all available space. A thought bubble graces one edge of the painting, full of words and sentences that overlap so that most or unreadable besides a select few; “they think you’re an idiot”, “they’re all laughing at you”, “you always mess this up”.

 

There’s so many of them, and somehow they capture all of the things that Fili wished he could say to explain all of these diagnosis, the inescapable little details that mark the struggle of what each illness means. They’re beautiful and terrifying, and looking at them hurts in the oddest way.

 

“What do you think?”

 

Kili’s voice is quiet behind him, a sharp contrast to his usually bubbly demeanor.

 

“You captured it. It’s like I can feel what it’s like when I look at your paintings. They’re stunning.”

 

“Thanks,” Kili smiles, eyes trailing over the image for depression.

 

“What made you want to do this for a subject?”

 

“I have a few friends and acquaintances dealing with some stuff. I’d talked to them about it a few times over the summer, and the idea just kind of hit me. I wanted to be able to create a physical image for people to look at so they could see what it’s like. Because so much of this is internal, and I thought that maybe this could make a little bit of a difference, even if not many people see them.”

 

“This is coming from someone who doesn’t have the faintest clue about art, but I think they’re wonderful.”

 

“Thank you. And thank you for helping to make this possible.”

 

They talk a little bit longer before Kili has to make his way around the room again, answering questions about the paintings and telling the story of how he came up with the idea. Though he did nothing but talk, he’s proud to know that he had helped Kili to create something so evocative and beautiful.

 

When he leaves, it’s with the thought that meeting Kili was certainly worth it.

 

* * *

 

 

 

He’s really not sure how things get to where they get to after that. Kili had stopped by later in the week to tell him all about how well the exhibit had gone, coffee in hand, and after that it had become some sort of a ritual. A few times a week over the next three, they would drink coffee together in the wee hours of the morning, conversing about anything from literature and art to even more ridiculous stories such as the time Kili woke up in a bed bath and beyond or the time that Fili accidently and single handedly released two cages of birds at the pet store.

 

Fili tells himself that coffee is okay, that it’s fine, that students often bond with professors and faculty, and that some even invite students to their houses for dinner. He keeps telling himself the same things over and over, an endless mantra, but that obnoxious whisper of a voice keeps telling him that this is _wrong_ because he most certainly likes Kili in more than a “hey you’re a cool person way” and more of a “you’re smart and funny and if I didn’t work here I would definitely bang you” kind of way. Which is problematic.

 

He knows he should stop, but there’s this flirty tone that starts occurring in their conversations and he _knows_ that Kili keeps making suggestive jokes towards him, but he does his best to studiously ignore them. Fili knows that he wouldn’t be bothered by this whole thing if it was a purely professional or friendship situation. But it’s not.

 

The situation was most certainly turning into a “you care so much about people and your stories are hysterical and by the way you’re gorgeous” kind of situations, and he just- he _can’t_ fall into that. He’s even more so aware of the fact that he should stop once Winter break hits, because three days in and he already misses coffee with Kili. It’s with the resolution of keeping things professional and cutting out the low-key flirting that Fili enters the spring semester. Less coffee, more work, no flirting. In essence, no Kili.

 

It was the perfect plan. At least, it would have been if Kili were in on it. But he wasn’t, and going from seeing someone every other day to trying to completely ignore them did not go over well. Especially with Kili.

 

At first, Kili was accepting of the fact that Fili was “busy” with students and paperwork. This was his workplace after all, and it made sense that he would need to actually do work. It wasn’t until a week and a half went by that Kili realized something was up. Instead of a smile and a see you later, he got a “have you seriously been ditching me all week?” glare.

 

“Are you seriously avoiding me?”

 

“I’m not avoiding you Kili, I’m working. This is my job, I don’t have time to drink coffee with you all the time, I’m falling behind in my paperwork.”

 

Brown eyes narrow, face pulled into a dark scowl that almost makes him rethink his answer.

  
“Oh okay, but you have time to drink coffee with Nancy and all of the other receptionists?”

 

“I- how do you even know that? Oh my god, you’re becoming a real lurker!”

 

Kili throws his hands up into the air, glaring daggers while Fili just keeps telling himself in his head that he needs to do this.

 

“I wouldn’t have become a lurker if you didn’t make me, since your new favorite hobby is ignoring me!”

 

“I’m not ignoring you! Seriously Kili, don’t you have homework or something that you could be doing?”

 

“No, I don’t! And if that’s what you want to keep telling yourself, then fine. But I’m not dropping this just because you’re being a twit.”

 

With that Kili storms away, leaving Fili even more conflicted than before. _Why_ did he have to break rules one and four? He felt like the worlds biggest idiot, and now he was going to have to deal with a Kili who was out for vengeance. After hearing about all of his misadventures, he has no doubt that Kili would be willing to go to great means to drive him insane.

 

He’s surprised then, that Kili doesn’t show up the next morning, or the morning after that. Which just makes him even more paranoid that he’s going to find some kind of juvenile trick or a wild animal roaming around his office one morning. Surprisingly enough, it doesn’t happen, but he’s still waiting for it.

 

On the third morning after their conversation, Kili does show up with two coffees in hand, shoving one of them into Fili’s hand and glaring daggers when he tries to refuse.

 

“Kili-“

 

“You can’t turn down free coffee, that’s just rude. And I’ve spent too much time and effort fostering this friendship or whatever, so get over it and stop ignoring me.”

 

Which, okay, Kili’s calling it a friendship, so that’s what this is, right? Is he, Fili, just being overly paranoid by reading into things? And now Fili is convinced that he really is the one who is making things weird, so he sighs and accepts the coffee, because he has self-control, dammit, and this isn’t going to turn into anything other than a friendship. At least, that’s the thought he desperately clings to.

 

So they do coffee, and it’s a little awkward and stilted at first because he can tell that Kili is still annoyed, while he’s still hesitant about this whole thing. They’re pretending like nothing had happened which Fili knows is a recipe for disaster, but he goes along with it because he really doesn’t know how to confront this issue. As a counselor, he would have though that he’d be better at this…

 

“My roommate snuck a bunny into our dorm room the other night. He walked clear past the RA’s office with an enormous cage, and no one even noticed.”

 

“Why do you always tell me things that you know I’m supposed to report?”

 

“Well because I know you won’t. You’re chill like that, it’s refreshing! Plus, you wouldn’t want Ori out of a pet bunny, would you? And patting animals is stress relief! If anything you should be all for this Fili.”

 

Of course he wouldn’t report him, but it was the principle of the matter. Instead of saying so, Fili takes another sip of his coffee and sighs.

 

“I know it’s stress relief, which is why we have days during midterms and finals when we bring dogs on campus for people to hang out with. Or you can volunteer at the shelter.”

 

“But what if you’re not a dog or a cat person? What if you like non-traditional pets and you’d rather spend your time with a bunny or a rat or a snake or something? Or what if someone is allergic to fur?”

 

He can’t really argue with that to be honest, knowing just how debilitating allergies can truly be to someone. Even so, he won’t agree out loud because if he does, Kili will never let him hear the end of it.

“I still think a bunny in your dorm room is pushing it.”

 

“You have a bunny in your dorm room?”

 

Nancy walks into the room with a glint in her eyes and a frown on her face, eyes darting between the two of them. Fili stumbles to think of anything quick to say, but Kili seems to be right on top of it.

 

“I do! Actually Fili was telling me that I should probably hide it before I have my boyfriend come over. I mean, I know my personality is a lot to handle so Fili just thinks I might be pushing my guy a little too far if he finds out that I totally sleep with a stuffed bunny every night.”

 

“Oh don’t listen to him Kili. If you start hiding your love for stuffed animals from the beginning, it will only come out in the long run. How long have you been with this young man, anyways? If he can’t handle a little ole’ bunny, kick him to the curb I say.”

 

“Uhm, we kind of started dating last semester? But it wasn’t really official until about two weeks ago I think.”

 

Nancy and Kili chatter away while Fili internally screams for joy at the fact that his profession has allowed him to have a perfect mastery of the poker face. Because he _knew_ that he had feelings for Kili, he _knew_ that he was too close, but holy hell did hearing that he had a boyfriend make him seethingly jealous. Fili _wants_ and he can’t _have_ , and he thinks that it might kill him because really, the tightness in his chest is just not okay on any level.

 

“Fili?”

 

“Hm? Oh, sorry. I got lost in thought. Nice save, by the way.”

 

“It _was_ pretty stellar if I do say so myself. But that does bring up the question of how I’m going to explain an actual bunny to him….”

 

“If he’s heard half the stories you’ve told me, I’m sure he will expect nothing less from you,” Fili forces a smile, internally berating himself because this was seriously too fucked up of a situation for him to handle right now.

 

“Yeah, true. Speaking of Gavin, I need to go and meet him at my dorm. See you soon, yeah?”

 

“See you, Kili.”

 

He may or may not get spectacularly drunk that night with his friend Aragorn as a way of mourning his idiocy of breaking the rules.

 

Whoever said rules were meant to be broken was a liar, because this, for lack of a better term, sucked.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s a few more days before he sees Kili again, which is enough time to get him out of the stupid funk that he’s in. It takes multiple pep talks from Aragorn, but he thinks that he’s over it enough to be able to start functioning like a real human being again. Which would be part of the reason why he’s thrown for _another_ emotional loop when he sees Kili again.

 

“So this guy asked me out on a date tonight and I had to turn him down because, hello, Thursday is get trashed and eat too much pizza with the guys night. It’s sacred, I can’t just give that up for nothing.”

 

Fili can’t help but to shoot Kili an odd look, more than a little surprised to learn that he would be willing to accept a date even though he seemed to be seeing someone exclusively. Of course, Kili misses it, seeing how he’s sitting with his legs over the arm of his chair in Fili’s office, screwing around with one of the many fidgets that he keeps around.

 

“Shouldn’t your boyfriend factor into that decision as well?”

 

Kili does look at him then, eyes wide and mouth going wide.

  
“Holy shit, when did I get a boyfriend!? Is he cute? What color are his eyes!?”

 

“You just told Nancy three days ago that you have a boyfriend Kili!”

 

Kili starts laughing so hard that he falls off the chair, sprawling in a heap on the floor and Fili doesn’t know how much more of this he can take.

 

“That was just part of my cover story! I’m not seeing Gavin at all, he’s just my partner for a project in my sociology class! We made plans to do homework in my dorm room, which is why I wasn’t sure how to explain the bunny and why I thought of him first!”

 

The wave of relief that slips through him is so damn inappropriate, but there’s a weight off of his chest that Kili isn’t dating anyone because now he doesn’t have to be viciously jealous of someone he has never even met. He’s trying not to be caveman about the whole situation because it’s not like he and Kili are anything other than friends, but the fact that no one else has him when Fili can’t is just completely uplifting on so many levels.

 

“You seriously thought I was dating someone?”

 

“How am I supposed to know, it’s not like you’ve ever mentioned it to me before. Most of our conversations center around academics or weird stories that I sometimes doubt actually happened.”

 

“Well, for your personal education, I’ve been flying solo for a good seven months. And I’m also bringing Bofur with me next time to corroborate on the goat story and the stripper pole story, because those definitely happened.”

 

Fili watches as Kili drags himself off of the floor with a wide smile, folding his limbs back up into the chair as he pulls out his phone, presumably to send the infamous Bofur a text. He’s still trying to get over the fact that he’d A, been jealous for no reason and B, needed to get over this crush or whatever he had for Kili soon because really being this emotionally invested was a terrible idea no matter how he looked at it.

 

“He’s going to stop by with me tomorrow. He has video evidence of the goat thing as well, but you have to promise not to judge too hard because I was extremely shit faced that night.”

 

“I’m just happy to know that this wasn’t a sober idea to be honest.”

 

“Actually….”

 

And that’s how Fili gets a rundown of how it was a sober thought that devolved into a drunken attempt that was somehow miraculously pulled off. He still doesn’t exactly believe it, but Bofur comes in the next day with a whole slew of videos of the entire incident and he can’t deny that everything Kili told him really did happen. It seemed this was the year for breaking all of his self-made rules.

 

After their show and tell story time experience, Bofur starts dropping by every once in a while with Kili, the two of them usually carting around a plate of brownies or cookies that had apparently been baked by their friend Ori. They were always heavenly, and Kili had to start fighting Fili off once he found out the blond had a sweet tooth the size of Marianna’s Trench.

 

It doesn’t take long for Bofur to start stopping by for a quick hello on his own, usually with a story about some ridiculous prank Kili had tried and failed to pull on one of his friends. He quickly learned that they’d all been a part of a prank war that was going on two years now. The thought made him cringe.

  
“By the way, It’s Kili’s birthday next week. You should get him a card or something. Preferably something not sentimental, those get him all weepy, trust me.”

 

Back arches as Fili rolls his shoulders, hearing the click of his spine while he continues to type away at his computer. Part of him would like to get Kili a birthday card, but the other part of him worries that doing so would be to step over the invisible boundaries he has put in place.

 

“I’ll see what I can do.”

 

And that’s how Fili ends up having a miniature crisis over a birthday card. Because a birthday card is more intimate than just saying “hey, happy birthday.” Birthday cards have intent, an innate idea that you care enough about somebody to either buy a tacky piece of paper or to make one yourself. At least, that’s how Fili feels about it. So he’s conflicted, because a card has intent but just telling Kili happy birthday doesn’t seem like enough.

 

When he tells Aragorn about the dilemma, he gets a cool eyed stare before he quietly states, “It’s a birthday card, Fili. Not a marriage proposal.”

 

So he gets one of those funny cards with the stupid puns written in it, knowing that it will make Kili laugh and smile because the guy loved horrible puns more than anyone else Fili knew.

 

He doesn’t expect Kili to come in on his birthday, and he doesn’t. Nor does he come in the morning after. The little bastard waits until it’s the end of the day, convinces Nancy to let him into Fili’s office while he runs to make a photocopy, and proceeds to scare the ever loving shit out of him from jumping out from behind his desk with a wild yell.

 

“What the hell Kili!?” He’s clutching a hand over his heart, torn between being amused and annoyed because the prank was well played but now adrenaline is crashing through him.

 

“It was the perfect opening, how could you possibly expect me to pass that up?”

 

Long limbs skirt around the desk, and for a brief moment Fili wonders what it would be like to run his fingers through that brown messy hair. He mentally slaps himself at the thought of it, trying to focus in on safer topics for his mind to ramble through.

 

“I suppose I couldn’t. Did you have a nice birthday?”

 

Kili looks a little caught off guard by the question, eyes round with surprise and body freezing mid motion, only for a small smile to break out soon after.

 

“How’d you know about that?”

 

“I have my sources.”

 

He moves towards his desk, leaning up against the side of it as Kili moves back into motion.

 

“Sneaky is a side of you I would never have expected. But, to answer your question, it was good. A lot more relaxed than previous birthdays, but nice all the same. I tried sushi for the first time, which I’m very much so in love with now.”

 

He wrinkles his nose at that, remembering the last time he’d stuck a piece of salty slimy uncooked fish into his mouth. Fili was a more traditional eater, and the thought of sushi grossed him out on multiple levels, as displayed by the shiver of disgust that runs through him.

 

“Oh come on, sushi is great Fili!”

 

“Uncooked fish is not great, it’s disgusting and unsanitary.”

 

“We’ll just have to agree to disagree because I will never concede defeat on the subject of sushi.”

 

They banter on for a bit like that, getting into an argument about the statistical likelihood of someone getting sick from eating sushi. After half an hour of that debate Fili decides that an impasse really is the best option. Even if he thinks Kili’s going to end up getting food poisoning from eating Sushi someday.

 

“But seriously, you had a good birthday?”

 

“Most definitely. Everyone tried to get me fantastically drunk but I decided to play responsible for once because I had a test the next day in one of my early classes. Having to take a test when you have a hangover should be illegal, to be honest.”

 

“Well I’m glad to hear that. I have a card for you actually. Sorry it’s a bit late, but, it’s not like I could really hunt you down to give it to you.”

 

Walking to the other side of his desks, he pulls out one of his drawers and grabs the green envelope sitting on top of a stack of files. Pushing it closed with his hip, he hands it over to Kili, a small last minute part of him panicking that he really should not be giving him a birthday card.

 

It feels a lot more personal than he thought it would in his little office, Kili silent as he rips open the envelope with a bright smile on his face. A nervous little tick runs through him for a second, which is ridiculous, because however inappropriate he feels this potentially might be, Kili will almost certainly love the card.

 

Fili can tell that he loves it in the way that he bursts out into loud laughter, eyes crinkling at the corners as he rocks back on his feet. When the warm brown of his eyes meets Fili’s own, he thinks that they might swallow him up.

 

“You know my personality far too well if you knew this card would make me laugh. Honestly, I love it. I’ll have to tack it up on my wall with my other favorites.”

 

He can barely allow himself to admit that he’s extremely pleased with the idea that his card is one of Kili’s favorites, chest feeling warm and light and a small smile on his face.

 

“Telling tacky puns does seem to be a thing of yours.”

 

“What can I say, I’m a wordsmith.”

 

“I think that depends on what your definition of a wordsmith is.”

 

Together they laugh in the little room, bodies’ shaking with it and really it’s unfair how easily a conversation with Kili can make him feel this happy. It’s unfair because he wants and he knows that he can’t have.

 

After a minute or so the laughter stops, Fili checking the time and realizing that he had stayed later than he had intended. He was supposed to do dinner with his visiting Uncle, and the rate he was going dinner would be late.

 

“As much as I’d like to keep talking, I have to head out Kili. I’m having my Uncle over for dinner since he has a free night, and unfortunately my chicken isn’t going to cook itself.”

 

Fili starts eyeing up his things scattered around the office, moving to shove his laptop in its case, gathering his jacket and scarf from the coat tree behind his desk. He’s rushing a little, so it doesn’t really connect at first that Kili isn’t talking, which is odd because Kili is always chattering away about something or another. Hands are stacking up files and when he looks up, Kili is watching him ever so carefully, arms crossed and a hesitant look in his eye.

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

“Yes, of course.”

 

The conflicted look on Kili’s face grows tenfold, arms crossing and uncrossing before he sighs and shakes his head, fingers moving to curl around the straps of his bag. To be honest he’s never seen Kili like this before, nervous and wholly conflicted. It unsettles Fili in a way that he’s not expecting. He wants to reach out to him, to hold those fidgeting hands so that maybe Kili won’t have a distraction and will meet his gaze.

 

“I- never mind. It’s not important.”

 

“It seems like it’s important, especially considering the avoidance techniques you’re trying to use.”

 

“Trust me, it’s really not important.”

 

“Is there something going on that you need to talk about Kili? I can call my Uncle and let him know I’ll be late if it’s something important.”

 

Kili releases a sound that makes a mockery out of the carefree laughter of only minutes before. It’s hard to explain, but there’s a self-deprecating tone to it, a harshness that doesn’t belong in any form of Kili’s voice. Fili’s not even sure how to acknowledge or react to it, torn between wanting to sit down and talk and not wanting to be late.

 

“It’s nothing that won’t resolve itself. Really. You don’t want to be late, you should go.”

 

Uncertainty needles its way through him, Kili smiling faintly before raising a hand and moving towards the door. There’s nothing about this situation that he likes. So instead of letting it be he comes around his desk and grabs Kili’s arm, fingers curling around lean muscle. Fili can’t let Kili leave, not like this. Not when he seems so downtrodden, because to him Kili is sunshine, and if he can figure out and help to fix whatever is upsetting him, he will gladly do it.

 

Muscle tenses beneath his fingers, the loose angles of Kili’s body going rigid and taut. He instantly feels bad for invading Kili’s personal space, pulling back but still standing close.

 

“Don’t go all counselor on me Fili. Aren’t you supposed to be all, ‘wait until I’m ready to talk’ or whatever?”

 

“Sometimes a little push is okay. And it’s not like this is a counseling session, so those rules don’t exactly apply to this.”

 

“You really should have dropped this.”

 

If you asked him later, Fili wouldn’t be able to say how exactly he ends up pressed against his office door. What he can remember with cool clarity is the feeling of Kili’s mouth warm and dangerous against his own, the way his heart starts pounding and his lungs choke up. Most of all, he can detail exactly how he kisses Kili back, just as desperate and needy. There’s nothing sweet about it, it’s all harsh teeth and rough angles. It’s the kind of kiss that makes you feel like you’re going to be swallowed up, heat pulsing through you and mind unable to discern what’s up or down, disconcerting and terrifying in its power.

 

He tells himself that the clearest details are the feelings of that kiss, of the wet slide of tongues and the sharp bite of teeth. But Fili knows without a doubt, hating himself all the while, that the clearest detail that he can’t get rid of is the look in Kili’s eyes once he pulls back. It’s a layered look, one of want and desperation, of hope and possibility and so many things in between. His hands slip away from Kili’s shoulders, faces only mere inches apart. A breath ghosts out, a single moment of silence, and he feels that pulse of an ache starting up in his chest.

 

“Kili we can’t- we can’t do this. _I_ can’t do this.”

 

“I knew you were going to say that.”

 

Kili pulls away, maybe regretting that he had pushed Fili against the door because now his one way of escape is blocked off from him.

 

“Why would you do it then?”

 

His mouth and lips feel kiss swollen and hot, and there are so many different things running through his head right now. He wants, but he can’t have. It’s a mantra that has stuck with him for months now, a mantra that has been blown to bits. The ache in his chest goes ever on.

 

Kili watches him with a sad little smile, looking skyward before he sighs soft and slow.

 

“Because you asked. I told you to drop it.”

 

“Kili this is-“

 

“I know what it is. It’s inappropriate and I’m a student, and you work here, and you could get into trouble, and it would look bad for the college, I know all of that. But it doesn’t change the way I feel. It doesn’t change what I want.”

 

“It doesn’t mean that we can do this Kili.”

 

“Why not?”

 

And yes, why not? Why not give in to what he has been feeling for months? Why not be happy? Why not be impulsive? Why not break all of the rules? Because that’s what Fili wants more than anything. He has been breaking the rules since the very beginning, so why not toss them all aside and do whatever he wants? It’s tempting, truly it is. It would be easy.

 

But it’s more than breaking his rules. It’s crashing headlong into a taboo, and more than that it’s potentially putting his career in jeopardy. It’s being worried about getting caught, and honestly, more than he is worried for himself, he’s worried about the repercussions Kili would face if he were to be caught. He may not be seeing Kili as a patient, he might not be a professor, but he was still employed at the college and this just couldn’t- it couldn’t happen.

 

“You know why not, Kili. I’m – I work here, and you’re a student.”

 

“No one has to know.”

 

“And what happens if we got caught? What if someone came into my office and caught us? They’d make it into a misconduct thing and you know they would. They would take my job, they would accuse me of using my position against you.”

 

“But you’re not!”

 

“We both know how these kinds of things work, Kili! No one is going to care if you tell them it’s consensual! They’ll still accuse me of coercing you, I’ll lose my job, and you’ll have the title of being ‘that guy who had the thing with the counselor’ for the rest of your life!”

 

They both know that he’s right. But the way Kili is looking at him… the clear hurt in his eyes, the absolute want. It’s a look that splinters through his chest and he thinks that he hasn’t felt this shitty in a very long time.

 

“So that’s it?”

 

“I’m sorry, Kili. I wish- I wish things were different. I wish we could have whatever this is, but we can’t.”

 

Kili looks at anything that isn’t Fili. He wants to say more, he wants to reason this out and tell Kili every little nuanced detail as to why this wouldn’t work. And he wants to give Kili all the reasons why he wishes that it _could_ work, why he wants this more than anything, but they just… can’t.

 

“I know. Look, I’m sorry I know I shouldn’t have done that. I know. It won’t happen again.”

 

“This needs to stop Kili. All of it.”

 

For a moment, he thinks that Kili is going to argue it. It would be in his nature to do so, he wasn’t the type of person to just accept something he doesn’t like and move on. But he does. And maybe that’s what hurts the most. Because for a moment his face contorts dark and angry, puppy dog eyes replaced with that of a predator, but the look slips away as quick as it came, silence stuttering on.

 

“I’m gonna go.”

 

He’s left alone with the echo of the door clicking closed.

 

* * *

 

It is two months into the spring semester, and Fili is sitting at his desk staring at his hands, contemplating what he’s supposed to do next. Because he’s in love with a guy that laughs too loud and has the most ridiculous stories, who cares about people and always makes Fili smile. He sits there, contemplating on whether or not he should resign.

 

Which is ridiculous, he loves his job, he’s not going to resign just because he can’t imagine not having Kili in his life. He may be love struck but he’s not completely deluded. And he won’t resign because of one kiss, because that would also be ridiculous. So the thing is, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s supposed to do now.

 

He had already sent a text to Thorin to let him know the menu for tonight was takeout, and honestly he didn’t think his Uncle would mind as long as there was going to be a few beers involved. He could use a few beers himself, to be honest. Right now he’s holding it together, keeping his frayed emotions tied down until he can get home and try to explain the situation to his Uncle in the hopes for some sound advice.

 

So he picks up some Chinese and drives home, all while running through at least a hundred breathing techniques to try and keep himself from completely losing his shit. His Uncle is already at his flat by that point, perusing through Fili’s Netflix account while sipping at a beer.

 

“How’s my favorite nephew?”

“I’m fucked. That’s how I’m doing Uncle Thorin. I’m in love with a student, I made out with him in my office I don’t- I want to do things to him that I should not want to do to a student.”

 

Thorin places his beer down on the coffee table, leaving behind the sweet addiction of Netflix to enter the half kitchen to comfort Fili. He’s expecting Thorin to start on about how he should be more careful or something like that, but of course he goes the completely opposite way that Fili expects.

 

“So what’s his name?”

 

“It doesn’t matter what his name is! It’s not happening!”

 

“I just think it would be easier to have this conversation if you were to tell me the name of your love interest.”

 

“Not a love interest! That’s what I’m trying to stop!”

 

Thorin doesn’t say anything, of course he doesn’t. He just watches Fili with the calmest of demeanors, leaning against the breakfast bar as Fili went to rummage in the fridge for a beer.

 

“Name.”

 

“Fine! Fine. It’s Kili.”

 

“Alright then. Why don’t you start from the beginning of your interactions with him? I seem to have been woefully left out of the loop on this one.”

 

Fili wants to point out that of course he hadn’t told Thorin, he didn’t want his Uncle to think he was creeping on some college kid. He almost starts with that, actually, but then it will feel like admitting that he thinks he was kind of creepy about it, so no. So Fili tells him everything; the funny stories, the paintings, the coffee, the amount of laughter and happiness he has experienced over the past couple of months. He tells his uncle about the hard parts too, about how conflicted he felt about everything, how he knew he was falling in love with Kili but still decided to go through with it anyways.

 

Thorin doesn’t even interrupt, just stabs away at his Chinese food while Fili goes on about how messed up he is over this entire situation. Going over all the reasons why it couldn’t happen makes him feel like he’s just trying to convince himself of his decision again, like maybe if he said it all out loud he’d find a loophole or something. But he doesn’t.

 

“I think you’re doing the right thing, Fili. You’re protecting not just yourself, but him as well. It’s admirable, and as hard is it might be, you’re showing self-control and discipline. You’re doing the right thing.”

 

“I don’t feel admirable,” Fili grumbles, popping his food into the microwave because its gone long cold by this point.

 

He wishes that he _could_ feel admirable, because that would make this entire situation a little bit easier. But he feels empty and lost, already aching for bright laughter and ridiculous stories. Over this academic year, so much of his time had slowly transformed from general stagnation to newfound happiness, and it’s all because of Kili. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to go back to shadow now that he has been exposed to sunlight. Just like the allegory of the cave, he has gained knowledge, and now he knows better.

 

“I don’t know how I’m going to just… cut him out, Thorin. He is… indescribable.”

 

“You really are in love with him, aren’t you?”

 

He doesn’t even have to contemplate the question, because he _knows._

 

“I really am.”

 

Thorin’s sigh is weighty, dropping his fork into his take out box before he meets Fili’s gaze.

 

“Then I am even more so sorry about this situation, Fili. You deserve love and happiness. I’m sorry this love came at the wrong time.”

 

“Me too.”

 

Timing really was everything. His and Kili’s was just off; so close to perfection and attainability but still feeling so far away.

 

“Never be afraid to hope, Fili. Maybe there’s a chance.”

 

He wishes hope were that simple.

 

* * *

 

 

Part of Fili _does_ hope that Kili comes by, that he’ll tell Fili he’s an idiot and that he’s not going to just let this go. But he doesn’t. His mornings are spent drinking coffee with Nancy and the others, conversation light and slightly mundane. All he can think is that Kili has ruined him for conversation and humor. Kili made him laugh so often and so frequently with his ridiculous stories that “normal” conversation just feels blank and empty. Or maybe that was just the regret talking.

 

It’s not even just laughter and happiness that he misses. Fili misses Kili’s presence, his body in the chair across from him, alive and exuberant. He misses the conversation, the companionship and the knowledge that someone was choosing to see him not because they needed his help, but because they cared about him as an individual.

 

He’s miserable, and everyday he has to try and put it all aside to do his job so he can treat people and give them the help that they need. But at the end of every day, the mask slips off and he slumps in his chair, feeling like he had lost so much more than just a potential relationship.

 

Two weeks go by and he feels like he has gained some kind of control over his emotions. The sense of loss is still there, but instead of it tearing through him like a tidal wave, it feels more like a dull headache that he can work through. It’s not gone, but he’s managing it. The fact that his day had gone pretty okay certainly helped with that. After his last slot he was free to go home. No Kili meant insane amounts of work production as a distraction, which meant his important paperwork was done.

 

His last slot of the day was a last minute change to his schedule, an unidentified new student, which meant a longer session than normal. As soon as the clock hits four, the door to his office is being pushed open, his new student stepping in. Fili can’t say that he has ever seen him on campus before. He’s short with red hair, and he’s wearing possible one of the ugliest knitted sweaters he has ever seen in his life.

 

“Hi, I’m Fili, I’m-“

 

“Oh, I know _exactly_ who you are, Fili. You are the man who is going to fix my best friend, or I swear to god I will find a new goat to steal and I will unleash it upon your office. Hell, I might even unleash it inside your car. My brother is awfully good at illegal activities, I’m sure he can break into a car quite easily.”

 

Fili is dumbfounded; mouth hanging open and hands frozen on his desk. The guy walks further into the room, throwing down his bag before sitting down in the chair in front of his desk.

 

“In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m Ori.”

 

A tiny part of his being feels like he should have seen this coming. If he had learned anything while talking to Kili, it was that his friends were nothing if not loyal to a fault. Really, he should have expected something like this to happen sooner.

 

“Ori I’m-“

 

“The next words out of your mouth better be ‘I’m sorry’.”

 

He’s not sure how he’s supposed to deal with this kind of situation. He’d never pissed off a students friends before, not like this at least. The protocol for this type of thing didn’t really exist… well, he could report Ori for harassment but that didn’t settle well for multiple reasons.

  
“I _am_ sorry. I’m unbelievably sorry about this whole situation, okay? The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Kili, and I know I did that. I know. I should have stopped all of this much sooner than I did. I get it. So yes, I’m sorry.”

 

“Whoop-de-freaking-doo you’re sorry! Golly, I’m so happy we reached that conclusion! Now fix it.”

 

Ori sits pleasantly in the chair, smile on his face but still managing to glare daggers. Kili had never mentioned the fact that his friend was apparently a bossy little gremlin with anger issues. Or maybe sass issues. Either way, it was disconcerting from the mental image of the cookie baker he had in his mind.

 

“I can’t just fix this, Ori. There is nothing to fix, because there can’t _be_ anything.”

 

“You have wrecked my best friend, you better fix it! He won’t laugh anymore, he doesn’t tell jokes, he keeps saying he’s ‘tired’ to get out of doing stuff, and he’s just- he’s not Kili. I haven’t seen him smile in two weeks and that’s just- it’s wrong. It is so unbelievably wrong, and you did that to him!”

 

Fili knows _exactly_ what he did. He gets that, and he doesn’t need Ori to come barging in shoving that into his face. It wasn’t like this was easy for him, it wasn’t like he made the choice that he _wanted_ to make. He made the hard choice because easy wasn’t always better.

 

“I get that you’re furious that your best friend is hurt. I truly do. And you can be pissed at me, you can hate me, but that doesn’t change the fact that I can’t be around him anymore. I want him more than anything I’ve wanted in a long time, but I’m not going to hurt him or me by trying to sneak around to make it work.”

 

“Can’t you just let him see you at the very least?”

 

Fili laughs, because seriously? Was that a real question?

 

“Do you honestly think we’d just be able to go back to that Ori? Do you really think we can just pretend that we both don’t want each other? Because I can tell you right now that it would be a recipe for disaster. I can’t go back to that now that I know he wants to be with me too. I won’t date a student.”

 

It’s silent for a moment, both men glaring daggers and refusing to back down from their positions on the matter. It feels like his chest has been cracked open, and he desperately tries not to think about a depressed hurt Kili, because he did that. He knows that he did that, and he hates being responsible for it.

 

Ori is obviously thinking, eyes narrowed and lips twitching the littlest bit before he slowly starts to speak again.

 

“So if Kili wasn’t a student, you’d date him?”

 

“I think we already established that, Ori.”

 

“Oh shut up and bare with me, alright? This is his last year here. You know that, right? There’s like, a month and a half until he graduates? Can’t you just suck it up and tell him that you’re obviously in love with him, but that you have to wait until he’s officially out before you’ll give him the time of day?”

 

No, he didn’t know that Kili was graduating. Why didn’t he know Kili was a senior? It should have come up in conversation, right? But he can’t remember every having a conversation about that. The closest thing was when Kili was telling him about his showing at the art gallery, and that had only been a mention of graduation requirements or something like that.

 

And there’s this little flicker of something inside of his chest, a whisper of hope, and he doesn’t want to feel it because having hope didn’t mean there would be success. It didn’t mean anything would work. But it’s the most positive thing he has felt in the past two weeks, and that’s something. That’s significant. Ori is watching him carefully all the while, his glare morphed into a look of calculation. He’s not sure if he likes that any better.

 

“Good god, you really didn’t know that tidbit, did you?”

 

“Ori-“

 

“Shhhh. This changes the game. _This_ is something I can work with. Okay. Do you want me to extend this peace treaty to Kili?”

 

“I- Ori that’s- I never said I agreed to this plan of yours! It doesn’t- he probably hates me now!”

 

“Of course he doesn’t hate you! If he hated you, this entire situation would be twenty times easier to deal with! He understands perfectly well why it wouldn’t work, that’s why he dropped it so easily! He’s like a lovesick little puppy and you should _hear_ the way he talks about how you’re such a ‘good, noble person’ for trying to do the right thing. It’s sickening, honestly. So, if you’re worried that you don’t stand a chance, you definitely do. I could text him right now and he’d come swooning into your arms.”

 

Fili is starting to think that maybe Kili gets his dramatization from spending so much time with Ori. The guy is practically on the floor, acting out the process of falling into a faint. Fili lets him do his thing because it gives him a moment to try and rush through all of this new information. Could Ori’s idea work? It sounded unconventional and crazy, but it certainly wasn’t out of the realm of possibility.

 

“It sounds kind of crazy, Ori.”

 

“And that’s exactly why Kili would go for it. I mean, think of the cute as pie love story you’ll be able to tell all of your future adopted babies!”

 

“Ori!”

 

“Okay, okay! I’m getting ahead of myself, I know. First I have to get the two of you together.”

 

“It’s astounding how you’ve managed to insert yourself so far into this.”

 

“I’m a blessing in disguise, don’t worry. So lets just clear up the facts of the matter, okay? You have heart eyes for Kili, you feel bad about hurting him, you won’t date him if he’s a student here at this university. Does that sum it up?”

 

“Yes….”

 

Ori is clearly taking notes on his phone of their conversation, reminding him so much of Kili that his chest twinges.

 

“Okay. Next. You’re willing to date Kili after he graduates from here?”

 

“Yes. I mean, no one would be able to get into trouble at that point. He wouldn’t be a student anymore, the university wouldn’t have a say. Our… relationship, would be off campus.”

 

“So, I guess the most important question left is this. Do you want me to tell him that you’ll wait until he graduates?”

 

Fili doesn’t know what he wants Ori to tell Kili. What if he says he’s willing to wait only for Kili or himself to move on? What if this was just a passing fancy? He doesn’t want to think that way of Kili, but he can’t afford not to. Treading carefully seems like the best idea in this kind of situation, all the better to guard his heart.

 

“You can tell him that if he wants me to, I’ll wait.”

 

“Oh my- _thank you_ , seriously you are a hero right now, you are- I could kiss you, I really could, but Kili would knock my teeth out. I’m going to go talk to him and you- well I’ll come back and see you again soon. We’ll have to layout ground rules or some kind of plan because of course you’ll need to talk to one another even if you don’t see one another…. But we can figure out the details later of course. I’m leaving, this turned out to be a wonderful conversation, we’ll get into contact again very soon!”

 

He doesn’t get a chance to put in a single word as Ori talks a mile a minute, slipping out of the door with a short wave. The wave of self-doubt that slips through him is almost instant. What little hope he had felt while talking to Ori had nothing on the crash of anxiety that bleeds through. Because _what the hell_ had he just agreed to?

 

Fili wants and now he might be able to have, but it’s all so terrifying in its nature.

He’s agreeing to have a somewhat relationship with a student, he’s- he has the intent of being with a student and it’s so wrong but he can’t bring himself to crush that little seed of hope. If Kili agreed, if they worked this out, it wasn’t like they would physically be seeing one another. It would just be a kind of emotional relationship with the intent of future physical presence. Which, when he thinks about it, does sound kind of bad.

 

For the next hour he sits and worries about all of the reasons why this was still a bad idea. But he also thinks about the reasons why this was an amazing idea, why it’s a fantastic solution that allows them to have hope for the future. Because maybe it won’t work out, maybe no matter what things would turn out bad, but at least they would have the option of being able to find that out for themselves.

 

Hope suddenly didn’t seem like such a bad thing after all.

 

* * *

 

 

They devise a system of letters. Every few days or so Bofur and Ori would bring Fili a letter. He would read it, reply, and wait for one of the two to come back and take his response to Kili. It felt silly and cliché, to be honest, like a terrible love story straight out of the movies. But as ridiculous as it is, Fili secretly loves it. He might not be able to see Kili, he might not be able to fit all of the things that he wants to say in a response in a single letter, but it works. There’s no electronic trail, he isn’t tempted to make out with Kili because they don’t see one another, but he still gets to talk to him in a way.

 

It’s not the same, of course. Fili gets frustrated when he can’t think of the right way to reply to something, and he hates the way that he can’t _see_ what Kili is feeling. Written word could only express so much emotion. He understood more than anyone that body language and facial expression spoke volumes about what someone was thinking or feeling.

 

Nancy had, of course, noticed Kili’s sudden disappearance, so when she finally approached him about it he wasn’t very surprised by her question of “where has our little ray of sunshine run off to? Is he sick of us already?”

 

“Well, it’s his final semester, so I imagine he’s just extremely busy. The last couple of months are always a mad dash, you know how it is.”

 

Nancy drops it easily enough, but he’s still paranoid and worried that they’ll get caught. Not as much so as before, but still. Part of him thinks that this still probably counts as abuse of his position at the University, but the other part of him just can’t bring himself to fully care. There was nothing physically happening, he was waiting until Kili graduated. Everything was fine. It was difficult, but fine.

 

The first month passes easily, and soon there are only three weeks of school left. Every passing day leaves Fili more nervous than the day before, scared that all of the stress and anxiety wouldn’t be worth it if they were caught. It doesn’t help that the letters start coming much more slowly.

 

Which, yes, Fili is well aware that Kili is graduating, he has finals, he has so many things to deal with where finishing his last semester is concerned. Obviously he’s not going to have a lot of time to write to Fili, not when he needed to study and get things squared away. It’s hard though, especially when it’s their only form of communication. He takes to re-reading the letters that he keeps in his desk at home, shuffling through them and smiling at all the jokes and odd stories that Kili had put down on paper for him to read.

 

He sees Kili a few times around campus, which wasn’t that big of a surprise considering it wasn’t that big. Each time he sees Kili his heart flutters, lips twitching into a little smile whenever he sees the other man flashing a brilliant smile in his direction. Sometimes these little chance meetings make it even harder, but then again it’s nice to actually _see_ Kili, even if they don’t actually speak to one another.

 

It helps that the final weeks are crammed full of students coming to see him. It’s a mad house to be honest, students in tears in his office because they’re stressed by their work load, others stressing over whether or not their final will bring their grade down from the high A they so desperately wanted to achieve. Other students are easy, a few of his graduating students wanting to stop in to say thanks before they were gone. It helped to keep a good balance to his days as well as distract him from his own nerves, which was wonderful.

 

With only finals week left, Fili is riddled with nerves about Kili. It’s a good kind of nervous, the type that makes your stomach flutter and your mind daydream about what could be.

 

He gets his last delivery two days before graduation, Ori cheerfully bustling through Fili’s office to open all of the windows.

 

“It’s too nice out to have all of these closed Fili, honestly. It’s like a cave in here! Also, are you going to graduation? You definitely should. Kili would love it, and obviously no one would suspect anything.”

 

“I’m already ahead of you on that idea. Besides, I always go to graduation. It’s nice to see all the students I helped get to walk across the stage.”

 

He doesn’t tell Ori that he keeps the windows closed because his allergies always act up around this time of year, allowing him to let in the fresh air. Besides, he can always close the windows once he’s gone.

 

“Well I’m certainly glad to hear that. Unfortunately, I don’t have a letter for you today, just a spoken message. Kili would like for you to meet up with him after graduation at that little coffee shop that’s across the street from the science department.”

 

“Why there?”

 

“Probably because it’s one of the closest off-campus locations and he wants to snog the pants off of you.”

 

Ori waggles his eyebrows at him, leaning against the wall with an almost smug look plastered across his face.

 

“You are too pleased by half.”

 

“Oh shush! I think you secretly adore my brilliance. But don’t worry, I won’t tell Kili a thing. For as much of a troublemaker he is, he has a very sweet heart. I mean, he wants to meet with you off campus even though he’s going to be graduated, just to make sure none of the faculty tries to say anything.”

 

It’s clear that Ori thinks Kili is being ridiculous, but he can tell by the fond look on his face that he doesn’t really mind that Kili’s just trying to be careful.

 

“Even the biggest troublemakers can have hearts of gold. We can only hope that Kili’s goat catching days are behind him.”

“I wouldn’t hold onto that hope too tightly,” Ori snorts, pushing himself away from the wall as he does so.

 

“As long as he never tries to bring a goat anywhere near my apartment, I don’t care.”

 

“I’d be more worried about him calling you to post bail to be honest.”

 

For some reason he feels like Ori isn’t kidding, and by the way Ori starts to backtrack he thinks that maybe he should be a little worried.

 

“It only happened once, and there wasn’t actually bail involved! He just needed a ride from the police department, it was a minor incident!”

 

“Ori-“ He tries to interrupt but Ori is clearly having none of it, plowing on with his explanation.

 

“About a year ago I decided to throw a house party back at my permanent home. Well, my oldest brother, Dori, lives in the house right next to mine, and he had wonderfully enough just had a new pool put in and was out for the night. The focal point of this story is the oak tree. This tree is massive and it has a relic of a rope swing on it, and Kili, being erroneously drunk, decided that we should climb onto the roof of my house with the rope swing, open the gate that led from Dori’s yard to ours, and use it to glide into the pool.”

 

“I really, really do not want to believe this, but I know I have to,” Fili groans. He can picture it clearly; Kili deciding it would be a great idea climb onto a roof and jump off it. It was ridiculous and completely asinine, which would be just the reason why Kili would do it.

 

Ori moved forward with an absolute look of glee upon his face, dropping his bag on the floor as he moved a chair closer to Fili’s desk and sat down.

 

“It gets better. So we’re all drunk, we all think it’s a great idea. We open the gate, figure out the angle we need to swing in, and then we just go for it. Kili went first, and it was perfect! We were going strong for at least an hour before all hell broke lose.”

 

“Kili is going to kill you if you finish telling me this story.”

 

“Kili will be happy he doesn’t have to tell the story himself, trust me,” Ori cackles, leaning forward in his chair.

 

“From what we all managed to piece together the next day, this is what happened next. We heard police sirens over the blare of music, someone knocked into the gate, and it closed. As this happened, Kili jumped off the roof, barely managing to not get squished like a bug. But, his poor bottom razed across the top of the fence, and his swim trunks were torn off. As he passed over the fence, the limb from the rope swing snapped, the branch went down, and absolute chaos ensued.”

 

Fili gets a detailed account of drunken partygoers running around and screaming, the police officers running out back because of the crash of the limb, and the ensuing hollering caused by it. Meanwhile, no one had any idea that Kili had been on the rope swing when the event had occurred.

 

Ori, being the most sober, had managed to talk to the police into not arresting the lot of them because they were all over the legal age. With a promise to turn down the music, the police officers left. Meanwhile, a disoriented and drunk Kili had been making his way from Dori’s front yard back over to Ori’s, naked as the day he was born with a smattering of leaves and twigs in his hair, bum covered in scratches.

 

Ori, of course, is in tears, barely able to get out a single word without choking on laughter. Fili tries not to laugh at Kili’s downfall, he really does, but he can picture so perfectly the look of shock that must have been on Kili’s face.

 

Needless to say, the police grabbed Kili for indecency and brought him into the drunk tank for the night, the rest of the party non-the wiser of his predicament.

 

“So at eight in the morning, I get this phone call, and at that point I’m so hung over that I can’t think straight. So at first I think he’s kidding. He’s all ‘Ori, the police picked me up last night, I need you to come get me with some clothes and a pair of shoes’. Of course I tell him to come off it, but as I start to get my bearings, I realize he’s serious and then- I couldn’t- I was laughing so hard, you should have heard how furious he was with me!”

 

He’s a little worried about how jovial Ori is about all this to be honest, but honestly what were friends for if they didn’t laugh at the ridiculous shitty situations that we put ourselves in?

 

“I woke Bofur up, drank a bottle of water, hopped in the car and we went to go and pick him up. Lucky for him the police were feeling quite humorous about the whole situation and let him off with a warning instead of fining him for public indecency. I think he still has scars on his poor little bottom from the whole incident.”

 

“You are a terrible, dangerous friend Ori.”

 

“I am a dangerous weapon that all would love to have on their side. But alas, my storytelling time must come to an end. Senior night is tonight, and I have to pregame and make sure that Kili stays away from the tequila.”

 

“Is there a story behind that as well?”

 

“Of course! I’ll let him tell you that one, though. Until Saturday, Fili!”

 

It’s only then that Fili realizes that Kili’s friend group came along with Kili. He foresaw many a headache in his future.

  

* * *

 

 

Graduation day is gorgeous. The skies are brilliant blue, trees sway gently from a light breeze, and the flowers plant around campus are a colorful splash across the wave of graduating students wearing either blue or black robes. It was the best kind of day for an outdoor graduation, with students, parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and the whole lot piling into the pavilion where graduation was held.

 

Fili decides not to take a seat, edging up to one of the large timbered posts near the stage so he can lean against it and watch. Awards are done first, as well as honoring those who had managed to graduate with honors or keep their GPA at a 4.0. It’s easy to see Kili, seating done alphabetically by major. He looks brilliantly happy, dressed in dark blue robes and whispering quietly to a girl sitting next to him.

 

Butterflies sore through his stomach, but he’s not as nervous as he was during the past few weeks. For once, everything about this feels right.

 

Soon enough Kili is walking onto the stage to accept his degree, waving towards his friends before he meets Fili’s gaze, flashing a wink before he goes to shake the hand of the Dean. Fili slips away after that, making his way towards the café whilst trying to battle away his nerves.

 

It’s not that long of a walk, but if feels like a little eternity to Fili. So many thoughts and feelings are crawling through his chest, all sorts of scenarios running through his head. So once he reaches the café he takes a seat at one of the outdoor tables, pulling out his phone to scroll through his facebook as a distraction. There’s a message from Thorin as well as Aragorn wishing him luck, because of course he had told them. He’s just happy to have supportive people in his life.

 

So really, he’s not expecting the gentle tap on his shoulder when it happens, phone dropping from his hands in an automatic reaction. Kili’s laugh is pure and clean, brown eyes so very beautiful and bright. He takes Fili’s breath away.

 

“I can’t believe you’re this jumpy, really, it’s so easy to sneak up on you and-“

 

Fili’s lips are on Kili’s in the span of a heartbeat, lips colliding and cutting him off because this was not the time for joking or laughing or any of that. It was time for having instead of wanting; of kissing the breath out of the man he had fallen in love with, of making that ever talking voice go quiet for just a moment. Fingers curl into hair, lips part and tongues slide, blood pounding through his veins and his lips feel like they might catch fire.

 

He could go on like this forever, but there’s hooting and hollering coming from across the road, Ori and Bofur tackling the both of them to the ground until it’s one big mess of laughter, crushed limbs, and knocked over furniture.

 

“You’re right on my leg, you ass!”

 

“What a beautiful moment this is! We’re free, the two of you are in love, and I’m going to get fantastically drunk tonight!” Bofur crows.

 

It’s a spectacle and a half, their robes and clothes are covered in dust, the shop owner chases them away with a brandished broom and Fili wouldn’t change it for anything.

 

“So, does this mean you’re going to date me now?” Kili asks as they make a break for it, tugging Fili down a side street, Bofur and Ori in tow.

 

“As long as you don’t get us arrested in the next twenty minutes!”

 

Kili whoops with delight, blue robes swishing and tangling, eyes bright as the sun. The breeze catches their hair, the wind blows soft and the heat sinks down to the marrow of Fili’s bones. It’s wild, a childish sense of freedom that he hasn’t felt in years. It’s just what he needs.

* * *

 


End file.
